ocd & Poetry Website

 Welcome

This is a personal account of obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, social phobia, agoraphobia, and a suicide attempt.  It is told from a Christian perspective through narratives and poetry.   I hope that in sharing my personal experiences that others will find it helpful and won't feel so alone. 

Even today, there is still a great stigma attached to mental health issues, especially the subject of suicide, and, because of this, many people choose to suffer silently and don't seek the help that they desperately need.  Another factor that contributed to my silence on this issue was the fact that I am a Christian.  I was hesitant to admit that my disorders were a dominating reality in my life.  In my own mind, they didn't fit with who I was "supposed to be," and I knew that in the "Christian community" it would be received in much the same way.  I, too, chose to suffer silently and that, along with several other factors, eventually resulted in a suicide attempt.

For this reason, I have a passionate belief in the importance of this message, in the need to reach out to others, in the need to let others know that there is no shame in seeking help, no shame in being ill, and no shame in not being able to "pull yourself together" or "pick yourself up by your bootstraps." I'm sure these clichés have been thrown out at you, at some point or another, by well-meaning people who have so little understanding of these disorders and are lacking in compassion.

I can empathize with the pain, suffering, and embarrassment that comes along with mental health issues; I have definitely been there.  I hope that in telling my story I can give the same comfort to others that God has given to me.  It is my hope that my story will encourage and inspire others and that people can gain better insight and, thus, a better understanding of these disorders.  More importantly, I hope that everyone will hear the message of true hope!  ~Kimberly

intrusive thoughts

There it is!  That crazy thought that has just jumped into your head.  You know the one, the one that makes you wonder if you really are "crazy."  You ask yourself, "Why would I think such a thing? What's wrong with me?”  I had been told by my therapist that my thoughts were not the problem, it was the weight and importance that I gave to them that created the problem.  I found that somewhat helpful in, at least, better understanding how my OCD mind worked, but sometimes I could find no comfort with certain intrusive thoughts that I had.   Then, one day I came across a quote that really spoke to me.

"There are two distinct classes of what are called thoughts:  those that we produce in ourselves by reflection and the act of thinking and those that bolt into our mind of their own accord."  Thomas Paine

Gosh, that is so simple and it makes so much sense!  Why hadn't I thought of that?  I had always struggled with trying to "bring every thought into subjection," (1 Cor. 10:5) as the scripture says,  and I always wondered why I was unable to do it, and I guess I also felt that meant banishing the thought altogether.  First of all, let me say, we can't bring anything under subjection without the help of Christ.  That being said, it's the thoughts that we 'enjoy' meditating on, but know we shouldn't be entertaining, that need to be brought into subjection, and those are the 'thoughts' that are meant by that scripture.  They are the  thoughts which reflect our  hearts  true desire -- our attitudes and intentions -- and if we continue focusing on those thoughts, eventually we will act on them.  "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he."  Prov. 23:7

Intrusive thoughts are the thoughts that "bolt into our mind of their own accord," and we have no control over them.  They ARE OCD thoughts!  Everyone has experienced thoughts that jump into their mind for no obvious reason and they never really give it a lasting thought.  Those of us with OCD, however, give it a second, a third, a forth, a fifth, and a sixth thought (I was wondering if I was going to be able to stop there, but I did stop on an even number).  (smile)  We really do attach too much significance to our thoughts and we, thus, give them power.

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 OH, THE NAGGING DOUBT!

Those of us with OCD know the nagging doubt that makes us question and second-guess every decision that we make.  Even the simplest of decisions can become mind-bending torture, because after we manage to make a decision, the doubt sets in again.  We're always needing reassurance and confirmation of everything; we have that need to be absolutely CERTAIN. 

We all know that sometimes there are no easy answers and sometimes there are no right or wrong answers but, nevertheless, my mind is going to think and analyze something to death and agonize to try and come up with the "right" decision.  I don't really know how much help I can give in this area, except to repeat something that was conveyed to me:  in not making a decision, you've made one.

I still have a difficult time in this area, but I find comfort knowing that no matter what decision I do make, if it happens to be the wrong one, God will either show me or he will use to my benefit.  Come on, this is a win-win situation people!  As I say in one of my poems, "Whatever He allows, its purpose makes me whole!"

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too many scruples

Well, what do you know, there actually are some good things that come along with having obsessive-compulsive disorder.  They say people who have OCD are actually conscientious and responsible, and that's true, to a point, but it is actually fear of rejection and guilt that drives a lot of our scrupulous conduct.  We tell ourselves, "I can't possibly say no.  I ought to do this; I should have done that; I could have done this."  We go over conversations again and again in our mind, wondering if we said something to offend someone.  We're afraid of expressing our true feelings because it might hurt someone's feelings.  The scenarios are endless.

Almost to the exclusion of our own well-being, we walk a tightrope trying to be all things to all people.  Well, only God can do that!  To say this is still a struggle for me, would be putting it mildly, but I am making some progress.  I'm learning that I can still convey love and concern for other people while still remaining true to myself and, that, by communicating some healthy, honest boundaries, I'm loving others and myself in a healthier, more responsible way.  To really connect with other people, we have to be willing to make ourselves vulnerable to them, and to be vulnerable with people, we have to be real and honest with them. 

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HELP WITH THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS

ACKNOWLEDGING MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS:
Acknowledge thoughts and feelings and be aware and alert to the emotions they cause and how they hinder you if you allow them to take root.

Pause to think and weigh my thoughts and feelings against God's truth, because God's truth is set apart from MY feelings, opinions, or circumstances. "...gird up the loins of your mind.. I Peter 1:3


RENEWING MY MIND:
Putting my thoughts and feelings into proper perspective.  "And be not conformed to this world, but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect will of God."  Rom. 12:2

Accepting the healthy thoughts and dismissing those thoughts that are unhealthy--don't dwell on them.  What we meditate on influences our behavior.  "As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he. " Prov.23:7

"....whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things  are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things...and the peace of God shall  be with you.  Phil. 4:8,9


BEING WILLING:
Having a willing heart to make wise choices.  Even though I may know what the right response is in a given situation, I'm not always able to respond in the way that I know I should.  When that's the case, I ask God for His help.  My heart doesn't change overnight, but as long as I am willing to acknowledge my need for God's help, God says He will give me the ability and  the will to do the things that don't always come naturally.

"For it is God that worketh in you both to will and to do His good pleasure." Phil. 2:13

ACTING RESPONSIBLY AND WISELY:
Taking  action based on the truth of God's word, by faith, and relying on God's strength, God's  help, God's  comfort, God's love, and God's peace.  Doing the best thing --the wise thing -- for everyone concerned.   Maintaining a good attitude and making a practice of setting healthy boundaries.


WALKING IN LOVE:
Allowing love to be the motivating and controlling  factor in all that I say and do.   Being filled with the Spirit, and praising God and remaining thankful to Him. "But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, and temperance. " Gal. 5:22


REMAINING THANKFUL:
Always remaining thankful and giving thanks to God in all things.  "Giving thanks always for all things unto God and the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." Eph. 5:20 "In everything give thanks, for this is the will of God concerning you." I Thess. 5:18


BEING AWARE OF GOD'S PRESENCE:
Consciously focusing on the reality of God's presence, whether I feel His presence or not, gives me great comfort and upholds me.  Keeping the right attitude in spite of frustration, doubt, circumstances, or thoughts that may distract me.  Constantly turning  my focus back on Him.

"Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee, because he trusteth in thee."  Isaiah 26:3

"Be still and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

My Poetry

• A Day in My Life
• Through a "Pained" Window
• Picture of Deception
• Darkness to Light
• Why Can't I?                                                             
• Who I am in You
• A Special Woman
• Beauty by Design
• Love's Victory
• Irony
• Reflections
• Only You
• Precious Daughters
• Your Majesty
• In Conclusion

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