This is a personal account of obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized
anxiety disorder, depression, social phobia, agoraphobia, and a suicide
attempt. It is told from a Christian perspective
through narratives and poetry.
I hope that in
sharing my personal experiences that others will find it helpful and won't feel so
alone.
Even today, there is still a great stigma attached to
mental health issues, especially the subject of suicide, and, because of
this, many people choose to suffer silently and don't seek the help that
they desperately need. Another factor that contributed to my
silence on this issue was the fact that I am a Christian. I was
hesitant to admit that my disorders were a dominating reality in my
life. In my own mind, they didn't fit with who I was "supposed to
be," and I knew that in the "Christian community" it would be received
in much the same way. I, too, chose to suffer silently and that, along with
several other factors, eventually
resulted in a suicide attempt.
For this reason, I have a passionate belief in the importance of this
message, in the need to reach out to others, in the need to let others
know that there is no shame in seeking help, no shame in being ill, and
no shame in not being able to "pull yourself together" or "pick yourself
up by your bootstraps." I'm sure these clichés have been thrown out at
you, at some point or another, by well-meaning people who have so little
understanding of these disorders and are lacking in compassion.
I can empathize with the pain, suffering, and embarrassment
that comes along with mental health issues; I have definitely been there.
I hope that in telling my story I
can give the same comfort to others that God has given to me. It is my
hope that my story will encourage and inspire others and that people can
gain better insight and, thus, a better understanding of these disorders.
More importantly, I hope that everyone will hear the message of true hope!
~Kimberly
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"Blessed
be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the
Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; who
comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be
able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the
comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God."
II Corinthians l:3,4
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Disclaimer
I am a lay person and
by no means claim to be an expert on the subjects of
obsessive-compulsive disorder, depression, generalized
anxiety, social
phobia, agoraphobia, or suicide. The information
contained on this website was gathered through my own
personal experiences and research. I would advise
anyone who is suffering from these disorders or any
other mental health issues to seek
advice from a mental health professional.
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intrusive thoughts
There it is! That crazy thought that has just jumped into your
head. You know the one, the one that makes you wonder if you
really are "crazy."
You ask yourself, "Why would I think such a thing?
What's wrong with me?”
I had been told by my therapist that my
thoughts were not the problem, it was the weight and importance that I
gave to them that created the problem. I found that somewhat
helpful in, at least, better understanding how my OCD mind worked, but
sometimes I could find no comfort with certain intrusive thoughts that I had.
Then, one day I came across a quote that really spoke to me.
"There are two distinct classes of what are called thoughts: those
that we produce in ourselves by reflection and the act of thinking and
those that bolt into our mind of their own accord." Thomas Paine
Gosh, that is so simple and it makes so much sense! Why hadn't I
thought of that? I had always struggled with trying to "bring every thought into
subjection," (1 Cor. 10:5) as the scripture says, and I always wondered why I was unable
to do it, and I guess I also felt that meant banishing the thought
altogether. First of all, let me say, we can't bring anything under
subjection without the help of Christ. That being said, it's the
thoughts that we 'enjoy' meditating on, but know we shouldn't be entertaining, that need to be brought into subjection, and those are
the 'thoughts' that are meant by that scripture. They are the
thoughts which reflect our hearts true desire -- our
attitudes and intentions -- and if we continue focusing on those
thoughts, eventually we will act on them. "As a man thinketh in
his heart, so is he." Prov. 23:7
Intrusive thoughts are the thoughts that "bolt into our mind of their
own accord," and we have no control over them. They
are OCD thoughts! Everyone has
experienced thoughts that jump into their mind for no obvious reason and
they never really give it a lasting thought. Those of us with OCD,
however, give it a second, a third, a forth, a fifth, and a sixth
thought (I was wondering if I was going to be able to stop there, but I
did stop on an even number). (smile) We really do attach too
much significance to our thoughts and we, thus, give them power.
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OH,
THE NAGGING DOUBT!
Those of us with OCD know the nagging doubt that makes us question and
second-guess every decision that we make. Even the simplest of
decisions can become mind-bending torture, because after we manage to
make a decision,
the doubt sets in again. We're always needing reassurance and confirmation of
everything; we have that need to be absolutely CERTAIN.
We all know that sometimes there are no easy answers and sometimes there
are no right or wrong answers but, nevertheless, my mind is going to
think and analyze something to death and agonize to try and come up with
the "right" decision. I don't really know how much help I
can give in this area, except to repeat something that was conveyed to
me: in not making a decision, you've made one.
I still have a difficult time in this area, but I find comfort knowing that no
matter what decision I do make, if it happens to be the wrong one, God
will either show me or he will use to my benefit. Come on, this is
a win-win situation people! As I say in one of my poems, "Whatever
He allows, its purpose makes me whole!"
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too many scruples
Well, what do you know, there actually are
some good things that come along with having obsessive-compulsive
disorder. They say people who have OCD are
actually conscientious and responsible, and that's true, to a point,
but it is actually fear of rejection and guilt that drives a lot of our
scrupulous conduct. We tell ourselves, "I can't possibly say no.
I ought to do this; I should have done that; I could have done this." We go over
conversations again and again in our mind, wondering if we said
something to offend someone. We're afraid of expressing our true
feelings because it might hurt someone's feelings. The scenarios
are endless.
Almost to the exclusion of our own well-being, we walk a tightrope
trying to be all things to all people. Well, only God can do that!
To say this is still a struggle for me, would be putting it mildly, but
I am making some progress. I'm learning that I can still convey
love and concern for other people while still remaining true to myself and,
that, by communicating some healthy, honest boundaries, I'm loving
others and myself
in a healthier, more responsible way. To
really connect with other people, we have to be willing to make
ourselves vulnerable to them, and to be vulnerable with people, we have
to be real and honest with them.
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My Poetry
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